Married and Bisexual: Finding Fulfilment within the Boundaries of Monogamy
Imagine being a music lover who's only allowed to listen to one genre for the rest of your life. Being a bisexual woman in a heterosexual monogamous marriage can feel very much the same. You are forever stuck in a musical monogamy, where you love the music you chose to listen to but can't help but feel like you're missing out on the sounds that could complete you. What a wonderful symphony you could be, and yet, it only plays in your head.
One of the most challenging aspects of being a bisexual woman in a heterosexual monogamous marriage is the constant feeling of foregoing a part of yourself. Many women only discover their sexual attraction to other women several years after settling down and committing to their marriages. In such cases, the sense of grief and loss can be exceptionally strong as there is a never-ending longing for experiences that may never be had (unless one is willing to risk everything that is dear to them). For those lucky enough to have had some same-sex intimacy before settling down, a trip down memory lane may bring some relief. However, the feeling of wanting what you cannot have remains a constant companion to bisexuality. When facing these struggles, it can be helpful to look at the situation from a different perspective. What if being a bisexual woman in a monogamous marriage were akin to a form of lactose intolerance? Just as one might avoid dairy products for the sake of their health and wellbeing, it doesn't mean that a margherita pizza isn't still delicious. Ultimately, it means learning to live within the confines of 'dairy substitutes' in order to be true to one's desires and identity.
One of these confines and another common struggle for bisexual women is the feeling that you're not "queer enough", especially when you are in a straight-passing relationship. It can be hard to feel like you fit in the LGBTQ+ community when you don't identify as straight or gay, and your partner choice only reinforces the impostor notion. Adding to that, the fact that society still has a long way to go when it comes to accepting LGBTQ+ individuals makes the entire notion of public bisexuality a bit too hard to handle. You find yourself in this comfortable prison called bisexual invisibility, which can be especially frustrating for married monogamous women. Why would you choose to openly express your attraction to women, face judgement and prejudice when nothing will change in your life in practical terms? The truth is that you need to be the change that you want to see. It can be hard to find positive role models for married bisexual women, but there is really no one right way to be bisexual. By speaking up about your experiences and educating others about what it means for you to be a married bisexual woman, you become an advocate for bisexual visibility and acceptance. Your bisexuality is valid and should be celebrated!
In the end, finding a supportive community of other married bisexual women who understand what you're going through can make a big difference in finding fulfilment. In our Married Bees community, you can connect with others who are navigating similar experiences, share advice, offer and receive support. Being part of a community like this can help alleviate the sense of isolation that many married bisexual women feel and provide a safe space to discuss and explore your feelings.
It's important to remember that being bisexual is a valid part of your identity, even if it's not something you can fully express in your current relationship. Your bisexual journey will at times involve feelings of loss, longing, and isolation, as well as struggles with identity and belonging. However, by connecting with others and by speaking up about your experiences, it's possible to find ways to honour your identity and live a fulfilling life within the boundaries of your current monogamous relationship. By being true to yourself and finding ways to connect with others who understand, you can start to play aloud some of the notes of the beautiful symphony of your own.
Are you struggling with being a bi-curious or bisexual woman in a straight-looking relationship? Join us at Married Bees to get the support you need!
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