6 Ways to Eliminate Your Partner's Insecurity
You finally came out to your partner. Great! They agreed to support you, but then...suddenly you notice that their self esteem is diminishing in ways that you've never expected. This can be very difficult to deal with because while you want to be true to your bisexuality, you also love your spouse and don't want him to be hurt or feel bad because of your choices. Now you feel like you have to choose between them. However, it doesn't have to be that way.
It's always important to demonstrate your love and affection with actions that help increase your partner's positive feelings about himself as well as your relationship, regardless of whether you're bisexual or not. But if you see any signs of insecurity try these strategies to make your partner feel at ease.
1. Keep talking about it. Even if your partner doesn't exhibit signs of insecurity right away, it doesn't mean that they aren't feeling a bit of competition or quite possibly fear that your life together will change drastically and their silence on the issue may be a sign. There could be many other reasons they'd rather stay quiet, such as not wanting to put a damper on your experience. However, you won't know any of this if you stay silent on the issue also. Maintaining an open flow of communication should always be a top priority - it's important that you both know how the other is feeling so that you can tackle any issues that come along or simply to provide affirmations to remind them that they are your number one.
2. Make extra efforts to compliment them. When you've been married or with a long term partner, it can be normal to reduce the amount of compliments you dole out over time. One of the side effects of coming out is often confidence. Confidence that you had all along, but maybe didn't express as much. This can be surprising for a partner and reminiscent of the days when you first met and were courting before life became routine. This may create ideas within your partner that you are willing to dress up or be more cheerful for someone else, making them feel that you might move on or that you think your life with them is boring and not worth the same effort. Any of these thoughts and more might cross their mind so it's worth every amount of effort you put into making sure they know they are loved and still find them attractive.
3. Take delight in your partner's presence. Even at the busiest, most hectic times, stop what you're doing to acknowledge your partner's presence. Naturally you don't want to go overboard or come across as being fake if you all have a regular routine, but taking the time to greet them with love and care may make your partner feel great that you are paying more attention to them. This can also be effective if you are out in public because now your partner may be wondering what you're thinking about every cute girl around. Generally, men understand what an attraction to men looks like, but female attraction is, for many, completely foreign territory and it would be so uncomfortable to think you're flirting with another girl while paying less attention to him.
4. Show consistent support but maintain confidence when your partner appears to be struggling with your sexuality. At times, you may feel that you would rather continue to suppress your bisexuality due to your partner's inability to cope. If that's the last thing you want to do, remain confident that you've made the right decision in coming out. Continue to stay alert and notice the signs that your partner may be having a hard time with some of your new activities - along with some of your old ones. Suddenly, getting dressed to go out with your platonic girlfriends may cause you to think he might feel suspicious or maybe he does feel suspicious. For your sake, make sure that you stay true to yourself and don't stop certain activities that you enjoy when you are doing nothing wrong. Keep an open line of communication and be supportive by remaining consistent. Sometimes changing your behaviour could have the complete opposite outcome than that which is intended - consistency is key.
5. Refrain from getting angry. Make a conscious effort to not get angry or lash out at your partner. It can be very difficult for your partner to understand why you might suddenly want to be with someone else, even if it is purely sexual and not romantic. This is not to say that you should allow yourself to suffer any verbal, psychological, or any other kind of abuse from your partner. However, it is quite common and normal for the affected partner to get frustrated at times which may result in feelings such as disappointment, anger or resentment. These can normally be handled easily by mature adults but it may take some extra effort on your part to remain calm and try to diffuse the situation before it gets out of hand and turns into a full on disagreement. A bit of discomfort is normal while you go through this process together, but if it seems like your partner is unable to be respectful and is intentionally hurtful, it may be time to seek professional assistance to help you both navigate this process.
6. Get resourceful. Sometimes a written word can put everything into perspective in ways that you cannot. If you've read a book that has helped you, share it with them - it might help them, too! Share any articles that you find online, or have them tune in to one of your favorite podcasts. You can follow up with some discussion time afterward to get their thoughts and at the same time, check in to see where their head's at. Seeing and hearing facts and circumstances from an objective perspective can help them see the issue from a completely different angle, ultimately resulting in a better understanding of your situation.
These suggestions are not a magic bullet because everyone experiences things differently. While these techniques may help your spouse feel less threatened by your newfound sexuality - you know your spouse better than anyone else. Therefore, take these suggestions for what they are - suggestions - and if you choose to employ them, do so knowing which are likely to benefit your partner the most based on your own experiences with them.
One of the most important factors about being a partner is to always be there emotionally for the other person. Using strategies that are designed to make your partner feel more secure will not only strengthen your relationship and deepen the love and respect you feel for each other, but also keep you feeling confident in your sexuality.
Are you struggling with being a bi-curious or bisexual woman in a straight-looking relationship? Join us at Married Bees to get the support you need!
#comingout #marriedbisexual #bisexualwife #monogamousbisexual